Give Me a Reason
by ValidEntry
Summary: Why doesn't Quinn want Rachel to sleep with Finn?
1. Round and Around

**AN: Spoilers through 3.05.**

Quinn was beyond uncomfortable having this conversation with Rachel.

"Just wait. Look what happened to me." Quinn felt like that was her strongest argument. If she could keep this about herself –"look what happened to me" – she could maybe scare Rachel out of it without making the girl think she actually cared about her. God forbid.

She was profoundly relieved when Santana launched into her diatribe about how horrible Finn was in bed – all sweaty and gross and quick.

Rachel intervened. She had come prepared to argue in Finn's favor. She wanted to have sex with Finn. She felt they were ready. He loved her. It seemed like it was time.

Quinn wanted to say it once more: Just wait. Yet Santana kept rattling on about how insufferable Finn Hudson was in the bedroom. And in life. Quinn considered mentioning his "think of the mailman" mantra, but Rachel probably knew about that.

Santana really didn't want to stop talking about Finn's poor performance and Quinn – already queasy and suddenly dazed – used that moment to excuse herself. No one seemed to notice.

No one but Rachel.

Quinn rushed outside for air, placed her hands on her hips and swayed side to side so as to regain her composure, and swore the cold autumn air was the cause of the tears now stinging and straining at the corners of her eyelids.

She recoiled backward at the sound of Rachel's voice. It was always that patient, soothing tone that Rachel used with her. It sometimes grated her – like the mental equivalent of hearing chalk clash against the board in such a way that it made her teeth ache.

"Tell me why you want me to wait."

"I already told you. Look what happened to me. You could get pregnant."

"I'm sure we will use protection, Quinn."

She arched her eyebrow. "Is that a slam against me?"

"Of course not! Tell me, please, why you don't want me to sleep with Finn."

"It probably won't be very much fun. You heard what Santana said about him."

"Santana said all that _after_ you asked me to wait. So you can hardly use an excuse made _after_ the fact to justify_ your_ initial remark."

Quinn felt like Rachel was pulling her into a mind trap. It didn't help any that Rachel was now circling round and around Quinn. It was like a weird magic trick. Everything was too dizzy. It was probably just the wind picking up, again, and flinging Quinn further out of sync.

She decided to match Rachel's methods by circling this back round and around to her original response to Rachel's question.

"Because…look what happened to me. How can I make this any clearer?"

Rachel was now inches away from Quinn. So maybe this was some type of illusion. Only seconds ago, Rachel was merely walking nearer to her. Now she was practically upon her.

"Tell me, Quinn… the truth."

Quinn lifted her head to the sky as if searching for answers from the God she no longer believed could offer her the salvation she craved. Or maybe she looked up to force – to will - the tears still gathering in her eyes to not fall downward across her face.

"Did you know he…uh…he doesn't last long?"

"Learn this from Santana, huh?"

"Not exactly. She told me that, of course. But I know from personal experience. Neither of us even had our clothes off and he…he…"

"He what? He came?"

"Honestly, Rachel, must you be so vulgar?"

"Why are you so prudish?"

"I'm just polite and lady-like."

"You're repressed."

"I've had a child, Rachel, I hardly consider that repressed."

Quinn was getting flustered now. Rachel started up with her round and around routine again. This time, Quinn didn't budge. Not with her body. Or her eyes. She didn't pivot to match Rachel's movements. She wouldn't meet Rachel's stare.

"Tell me why I should wait."

"It'll hurt. Your first time."

"Lousy excuse. No matter how long I wait, the first time is likely to hurt."

"Rachel, if I'm so prudish and repressed…why does it matter why I think you should wait?"

"You seemed to care more than the other girls."

"I think you are confusing me with Santana."

"No, you started speaking first. And Santana dislikes Finn. She has her motives."

"And I don't? He broke up with me – twice! – over you."

"And your motives are…?"

"You must think I'm trying to get you to not sleep with Finn so that I can, what, re-claim him as my own? Is that what this is about?"

"Do you still have feelings for Finn?"

Quinn bent to tie the laces of her shoe. She blinked and a couple of tears fell, unnoticed, before she straightened up and faced away from Rachel.

"I do not have any feelings for Finn. Absolutely zero."

"Tell me, then, why do you want me to wait?"

"Why are we still having this conversation?"

"You appeared so shocked when I mentioned it to you and the girls. The others? They seemed to know it was coming."

"I thought you wanted to wait until you were twenty-five?"

"That was an unrealistic thought. And, anyway, at that time in my life…I honestly didn't think anyone would ever really want me."

Quinn glanced up at the hazy sun to shield the tears gathered at the corners of her eyes. If they trailed down her face, it was only because the sun was too bright for this late in the year. She blinked past the intrusion.

"He's pretty naïve in a lot of ways, Rachel."

"You dated him as well…did you think of him that way when you were his girlfriend?"

"How do you think of him? Did he rescue you from a life of high school obscurity? Does he make you feel safe from slushie attacks and bullying?"

"He certainly doesn't refer to me as Man Hands and Treasure Trail."

"I fail to see the point in your comparison."

"Perhaps you are as naïve as Finn."

It was as if Rachel was mentally going round and around her head: Trying to confuse her and make her misstep.

"Did you know he called Brittany an idiot the other day? He can be such a douche."

"Were you not listening when I listed off the horrible things you've said about me? I could add others: RuPaul, that one would be among them."

Quinn was in a crazy hall of mirrors now. She was seeing all these reflections of herself in different sizes and shapes. Various moments of her past blended together in some hellish flashback. Myriad versions of Quinn floating round and around and staring back at her. All controlled by some mechanism set in motion by Rachel.

She dug in the pockets of her purse. She put the bag right up to her face and covertly swiped at her eyes. More tears were looming.

God, it must be the wind. Or her allergies.

"Tell me. Stop deflecting. Tell me why you want me to wait."

Rachel carried on with her round and around movements, but this time she was dangerously close to Quinn. She could picture the scene in her head so perfectly: There were really only two distorted funhouse images in her head. One was Rachel…inching closer. The other was Quinn…running out of space. Something was going to have to give to crack this mirror.

"I want you to wait because you have a lot on your mind right now: West Side Story, college applications, senior year, and your mom is back in town…do I need to continue?"

"You keep changing your story: Look what happened to me. It'll hurt. Finn would be awful in bed. Finn is a bad guy. There is so much other stuff in your life that requires your attention."

She was barely aware, through the numbness that settled painfully over her body, that Rachel ran her fingertips against her cheek and across her collarbone – dangerously close to her breasts – before tracing a line down her arm. She blamed the cold air for the numbness. And the wind for the tears. It was probably the blustery weather and lack of jacket that caused goose bumps to tingle on her skin at Rachel's touch.

"Tell me, please, why do you want me to wait?'

"I don't have any more answers for you, Rachel."

Quinn watched as Rachel leaned into her and whispered against her ear. She was sure it was only because she was so cold by this point that Rachel's warmth caused such a physical reaction of comfort and longing to envelop itself round and around her entire body.

"I'll be thinking of you the whole time, Quinn. I'm pretty sure that's the only way I'll be able to enjoy it."

As Rachel walked away, Quinn couldn't figure out any reason to justify the tears that now freely streamed down her face. And she was out of things to blame.


	2. Hold the Line

Quinn dragged the covers out of the spare bedroom and added them to the growing pile on her bed. The afternoon sun sent shadows flying across her walls each time a blanket landed on top of another. She drank her second shot of whiskey – to help warm her all the faster – and buried herself inside her fortress. And still she could not rid herself of the chill. She could not shake it.

Ignoring the trembling that was nearly causing her teeth to chatter and click together, she threw the blankets – two at a go – to the floor. The shadows were back and, now, they looked suspiciously like Rachel's fingers as they'd been when she'd traced them along Quinn's cheek. And her arm. That memory brought on a new wave of shivers. Her body ached from the tension.

She'd be okay soon. The conversation with Rachel was over. Had been for nearly an hour. It just took her awhile to recover from being cold. It had always been that way for her. Must be in her DNA. Or a family trait.

Bounding down the stairs, she slid on the hardwood floor and skidded against the bannister. She'd have to cut it short on the alcohol. Only half a shot – not a full one – this time. Things became blurry around the edges – and in the middle – when the whiskey settled in. She liked that feeling. It bordered on love. It gave her a reason – an alibi - to switch off her HBIC attitude. And relax. Relax enough to fumble through her contact list, find that name, and hit send.

"I can't talk right now."

"Why did you answer?"

"I don't want to ignore you. It would be rude."

"If you had let the call go to voicemail, I wouldn't have automatically assumed you were ignoring me."

"I didn't think that through, I guess."

"Maybe you saw my name come up on your phone…and you couldn't resist. You had to answer it."

"You're being presumptuous!"

"Am I? Honestly?"

"Yes…I thought…well, I thought maybe you hurt yourself."

"Like…hurt myself on purpose?"

"Perhaps. You've been acting strangely since school started."

"And the first person I'd call if I hurt myself would be…Rachel Berry?"

"Maybe I'm the second person you called. After 911. Or your mother."

"For someone who can't talk right now, you sure are talking a lot."

"I'm at the dentist. There is a sign in the waiting room stating that cell phones should only be used for emergencies."

"This is an emergency! According to you, I hurt myself."

"Quinn! Are you okay? Really okay?"

"That depends. Are you seeing Finn this evening? Or tonight?"

"Is that a threat?"

"Sounded more like a question to me."

"I plan on seeing Finn over the weekend. At night."

"Ah, now that seems like a threat."

"Not a threat. Just the truth."

"Change the truth."

"I could lie to you. Would that help?"

"No…I…"

"I have to go. It's my turn. Can I…can I call you back?"

"I can't promise I won't ignore the call if I see it's you."

"Then keep your eyes closed when you answer the phone."

The line went dead. Quinn stood up on wobbly legs. If talking to Rachel made her feel like she was in some warped funhouse at the circus, being somewhat drunk – more than a little? – was like whirling round and around on a tricked-out rollercoaster. Or the teacups. If they went really, really fast. Everything was circular. Just like her relationship with Rachel. It always ended where it began.

She steadied herself at the bar. Sloppily poured – spilled – out another shot. Downed it quicker than the first three – two and a half - and waited on Rachel to keep her word and call back. And she did. Exactly one hour and twenty one minutes later. She timed it.

"Why did you call me earlier, Quinn? Do you require further explanation as to why I feel ready to have sex with Finn?"

"Why…why would you think of me?"

"Think of you when?"

"Please, please don't play dumb."

"If you don't know by now…what else can I say?"

"Because of what happened over the summer?"

"If you were here, I'd give you a gold star."

"Is that all you'd give me?"

"I think that's all you'd want. I was there, remember? All summer long."

"You must not remember that much. Seeing as how you plan on – and want to – sleep with Finn."

"It's mutual. In case you are forgetting. _We _want to – plan to – have sex with each other."

"How tender. Do you have everything graphed out? He'd probably need a map, you know."

"I love it when you are cruel, Quinn. It becomes you."

"Agreed. And I wish you and Finn all the very, very best."

"So, does this mean you no longer feel the need for me to wait?"

"I only wanted you to be careful. Watch out for your feelings. Your…your heart."

"I think I like bitchy Quinn better than the act you are playing on me right now."

"You believe everything about me is fake."

"Prove me wrong. Amaze me."

"You already know everything about me. Fake Quinn is the real Quinn."

"Actually, I don't think you are fake. Not all the time."

"What do you think of me?"

"You are lost, Quinn. That's all. Just lost. I tried to help you. I don't think you want to be found. You rather enjoy your games of hide and seek."

"Is that what you took away from it?"

"Mostly. I can't make you happy. I thought…I thought I could. But I wanted it so badly. It's what I believed…but it didn't make it true."

"Are you going to sleep with Finn? Or will you wait?"

"What am I waiting for?"

"I don't think you are ready."

"If you think that, Quinn Fabray, you are a hypocrite. You know I'm ready. We've talked about it."

"Is he…is he…is he ready?"

"Are you laughing?"

"Yes…I am…because, I mean, can you imagine him trying to figure out how to…to put on…to put on a condom!"

"He's not stupid…a little simple-minded, I will admit, but he has his smarts!"

"You'd better practice first. On a banana. Or a cucumber. Or…or, in the case of Finn, a…a wet noodle!"

"That is not even remotely funny! And at least we plan on using protection!"

"Oh, so you were putting me down earlier. Yes, Quinn let Puck have unprotected sex with her. And, yes, she got pregnant. It really can happen the first time you have sex, kids! I could've been on '16 and Pregnant' and, God, the ratings! Do you…do you think that your mother would agree to appear on 'Teen Mom' with me? We could sit and chat with Dr. Drew to…to discuss how I fucked up my life. Or, better yet, you could…you could be a part of this, too. Tell him how…how…I spent a whole summer with you and..and…by the start of school…nothing!"

"Quinn, stop it! Stop it!"

"Sleep with him, Rachel. And think of me! Think about me the whole…the whole fucking time!"

"You need to stop this right now!"

"Do all those…all those things that you told me about. It'll be the closest you'll ever get to me."

"Tell me why you don't want me to sleep with him."

"Are you for fucking real? Are you…are you not even listening to me?"

"Tell me."

"Shut the fuck up, Rachel!"

"I'm thinking you could add wait until my eighteenth birthday so it'll be legal, he doesn't really love me, and peer pressure to your ever-growing list of reasons why you want me to wait."

"Rachel…I swear to God…"

"Swear to God, what, exactly? I'd love to know. Because one day – and I don't think I'm reaching here - you'll tell me. And I'll listen. I'll believe you. You're eventually going to run out of lies. Now, we'll continue this conversation when you are sober."

"I'm not even the slightest bit drunk!"

"You'll eventually run out of lies, Quinn. Try not to take too long."

The line went dead. Quinn felt a momentary rush of coldness along her spine before she shut her eyes and followed after the silence.

**AN: I wanted to play around a bit with stream of consciousness in the sections with Quinn when she is not on the phone with Rachel. Not only with how she is thinking, but also how she acts/reacts. How she is going through the motions. I wanted the main focus of the chapter to consist of the dialogue between Q and R. I think you get at some of their issues this way but you are only hearing them talk over the phone, not explain their reasoning. Or even be in the same room together. It leaves room for reader interpretation. **


	3. Truth be Told

Even though the ache in her head felt dangerously close to a migraine, Quinn didn't ask Rachel to stop singing when she entered the auditorium. The lights were almost supernaturally bright and she resisted the urge to close her eyes against the intensity. Or maybe it was Rachel's frequent glances over at her that made her surroundings seem impossibly lit-up and glowing. Like watching fireworks from the top of a Ferris Wheel on the final night of a carnival.

Rachel was always the most luminous person in a world that sometimes felt to Quinn like one large cardboard cut-out. Everything was stale and black and white. But not Rachel. She was the neon sign in a rain storm. She couldn't help but see her. And be drawn to her.

So she perched on the edge of the stage and waited for the song to end. For Rachel to come closer. As the echo of the final note drifted round and around the auditorium, Rachel sat down beside Quinn. They were almost touching.

"You look cute."

"Wow. I could not have predicted that as your opening line. Are you still intoxicated?"

"Ha, ha, Rachel. Don't be difficult. Accept the compliment."

"Divas are always difficult. But also very charming."

"You're adorable. But obnoxious. "

"I consider that your way of calling me charming."

"If that's what you'd like to believe."

"I'd like to believe you came here to talk to me. To tell me the truth."

"Wishes really do come true, Rachel."

"That is why you're here?"

"I didn't come here – with the gift that is one fuck of a hangover – to plead for a role in West Side Story."

"Now you're the one being difficult."

"Nope. I'm just stalling."

"Haven't you been doing that long enough?"

"That's why I'm here! To stop putting it off. But you'll excuse me if I don't just jump in."

"Just jump, Quinn. I promise the water is warmer than you think."

"Are you flirting with me?"

"You haven't given me any reason not to."

"Could it be that you're trying to delay this conversation, too?"

"Yes. I'm scared."

"Of what? That what you've been imagining I'd tell you isn't it at all?"

"A little. Or that it is what I thought. That could scare me worse."

"Well, okay, let's keep the conversation light for a little longer. How is it that you always look so well-rested?"

"I don't drink on a school night."

"Again with the humor. Nicely done."

"I'll stop now. Tell me why you want me to wait."

"You should know, first, that it meant a great deal to me when you told me Shelby was back in Lima. And that you offered to visit Beth with me."

"I didn't want you to be blindsided. When my fathers told me Shelby was moving back here this summer, you were the first person I thought of."

"And why, Rachel, didn't you first think of what Shelby being in Lima might mean for you?"

"I don't know."

"So…I'm the only one telling the truth here?"

"No, it's really not that. I don't know why I thought of you first. It has nothing to do – at least at any level I'm aware – with my feelings for you. Maybe I was deflecting. I didn't want to consider what Shelby's return…what it could do to me."

"You only came to tell me about Shelby as a way to sidestep your own emotions?"

"You could not be more wrong! Please don't try to fight with me. It was so nice. The summer with you. I was happy. We never argued."

"But you never broke it off with Finn. Did he even know we were hanging out? Did he wonder what you were doing spending so much time away from him?"

"He knew! I told him. After the first night. He was so sweet about it. He understands."

"He understands enough to try to get you to sleep with him."

"I'm the one that brought it up. Sex. It was me."

"Is this you trying to be funny again?"

"The first time I mentioned it to him, he told me I had to figure out how I felt about you before he'd even…"

"There was a second time you approached him for sex? Was there a third? A fourth?"

"I didn't 'approach' him, Quinn. You make me sound like a hooker."

"I know you have feelings for him. I get it. I talk shit about him, but I know Finn is a good guy. When he wants to be. But I had no idea – none! – that _you_ were the one to plant that little seed in Finn Hudson's brain. I cannot even believe you, Rachel!"

"If this is your way of trying to get out of explaining to me why you want me to wait, you are going to be sadly mistaken by my response. You can't try to place blame on me because I 'approached' Finn about sex. I have no intention of leaving this auditorium until your pretty little mouth speaks the truth."

"Bold statement."

"Test it out, if you'd like."

"I could get up right now and walk away from you. How would you stop me?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"How dare you flirt with me right now!"

"Just, please, Quinn. Tell me why you want me to wait. I'm so tired of us avoiding it!"

"Fine! Fine! I'm not ready, Rachel. You apparently are. You've made that abundantly clear since the summer. I almost wish I had your confidence. I know it was two years ago. That…that thing with Puck. But I'm not over it. I don't feel comfortable enough with myself to have sex. I don't mind the kissing and…and whatever else. It was even okay with Sam, how far we went. But I'm not there yet. The sex part. I'm not at the same place as you."

"Oh. That was…that was not what I was expecting you to say."

"I know. You thought I was going to tell you I love you. You should already know how I feel!"

"Because you've been so forthright up until this very moment? All summer, Quinn, and everything that happened. We could have talked about it. We were together. I was there for you."

"I'm ashamed of it. Shouldn't I be ready by now? I'm attracted to you. Why can't I act on it?"

"It's okay to want to wait, even after you've had sex. I'll admit that your circumstances are a bit different, in that your first time resulted in pregnancy, but there's nothing for you to feel bad about. Keep being honest with me. You can get past this, no matter how long it takes."

"I'm so badly in love with you, Rachel. And I know you are with me. Maybe not as much as I am with you, but you love me. Whatever you feel for Finn, it isn't love. The summer taught me that. But you care for him enough to have sex. You have these…these desires. And I can't…I can't do anything about it. Not yet, anyway."

"Why did you stop coming over after school started? Because you weren't ready for sex?"

"Hardly. It was weirder than I thought. You walking down the hallway with Finn by your side. I didn't see him even once over the break. It was more difficult for me to forget you weren't just mine – he had part of your heart, too – when I saw you with him. And it was pretty strange having Shelby around, even though we were with her a lot over the summer. Maybe it's McKinley. Things are always so much harder for me here."

"I was rather surprised you didn't join Shelby's glee club."

"I don't even understand the point of it. Two glee clubs in a school that barely has enough members for one? It's a really stupid idea. Besides, I like to hear you sing. And I want to be near you."

"_You're_ flirting with me this time."

"You haven't given me any reason not to."

"Such a clever girl."

"Charming. The word you are looking for is charming."

"The word certainly isn't modest. And, at any rate, stop stealing my best lines."

"Are you okay with what I told you, Rachel? Does it change how you see me?"

"No, silly, if anything it's made how I feel about you even more intolerable! Right when I think I couldn't care for you more…bam!"

"If you'd prefer, I could go back to being a bitch."

"I imagine I haven't seen the last of that particular side of Quinn Fabray."

"Much like you sometimes being a diva. That'll come out again soon enough."

"But divas are charming, remember?"

"Right, right, sorry for forgetting."

"I forgive you for your stunning lack of insight into the unique qualities that will make me a future star."

"Now that I'm more properly informed as to your 'unique qualities' - and you know why I want you to wait - will you wait? Since you know you'd be waiting for me?"

"You haven't given me any reason not to."

**AN: I really wanted this entire story to be driven by dialogue. And to leave certain elements vague. I never intended to fully answer the question of what happened between Q and R over the summer. They spent time together, yes. They visited Shelby and Beth on several occasions, yes. But, when they were alone together…? They obviously did not have sex. But how far did they go? Did they even kiss? Or just spend a lot of time talking? It is up to you to decide. Thanks for reading and reviewing. **


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